When all hope is lost.

I didn't want to post anymore. I really didn't. But Shadow insists I owe you people an explanation and to a certain extent I think he's kinda right.

Of course, most of you mustn't care any more. Hell, most of you never cared in the first place. How could I be of any importance to you? I'm just another runner, right? Just another victim. Gonna die sooner or latter, probably while testing some stupid "Slendy-Killing" theory. Like a dumbfuck.

A year ago I would have argued...

Or... well, 15 days ago...

I fucking hate that "loop time" thing....

So Shadow set out to find me. And find me he did. It certainly took him a while trough. Yeah, for you guys I was only out for a couple of weeks, but I'd say I spent about 150 days trapped in loop time. However, even trough he found me, he didn't know how to get to me. I could have spent the whole eternity trapped in an alternate dimension...

If it weren't for Ire.

For all of you that don't know, Ire is part of the "proxy fuck up squad", also known as Mockery. And I don't know who made the call, but some higher up decided that sending the clumsiest of clumsy proxies to torture me and make sure I didn't escape was the best choice. I don't know how, but he could somehow enter and exit the place I was in at will. He'd come in every once in a while to taunt me, punch me a little and then he would leave.

Shadow caught Ire going in one day and managed to sneak in behind him. He and Ire had a fight. Shadow got wounded, but won. He managed inject some kind of anesthetic into Ire trough these darts and put him to sleep. I don't really know how that shit works. There's a more detailed explanation in his blog if you feel like reading it.

So, I grabbed some of my stuff, we managed to get to the door and then... something happened. I'm not sure what exactly. I just remember feeling like I was grabbed and thrown by a giant hand. I saw a light and before I knew it was in the house's rooftop.

And then he appeared.

I could barely see him. He just stood there, staring at us from the yard. Then things got blurry and my head started pounding...

I'm... Not quiet sure of what happened next... I started feeling like everything around me moved and all from the sudden I was in my room, I tried to get up, but before I could stand I was crashing into my kitchen table. Then I just fell face first against my bathroom floor. And finally, after teleporting all over the house, I was thrown into my front lawn.

I remember hearing Shadow throw up. I would've thrown up too, if I had had something in my stomach...

Shadow helped me up and we made a run for his car. The house collapsed behind us as we escaped.

Shadow has been looking after me since then. It's weird, he says that even trough I was gone for at least 18 days it doesn't look like I spent over 4 days without eating. I have no idea how that works, but hell, I'm still alive, so fuck it.

I traveling with him for a bit. I don't really have any plans right now and my car got crushed under my house when it collapsed, so he's kind of my only method of transportation. I'm kinda stuck with the guy.

After we part ways... Hell, I don't know. I don't really care either. What else am I supposed to do? There's really nothing left for me. I'm probably just gonna run for a couple of months and get killed at a motel or something... which isn't really all that bad compared to the alternative of being trapped in a loop forever.

The truth is: We're fighting a battle we can't win. Slenderman is... more powerful than we are. I mean... just... after what happened to me... how can that be possible?
It shouldn't. None of this should be. This thing goes beyond our understanding, beyond our reality. We can't beat something like that. We just can't. We can't WIN.

And I think that's kind of our mistake. We're TRYING to win. We know it's not gonna happen, we know there's no hope.. and yet we still give him the pleasure of  fighting back. Why? Why do we torture ourselves by trying to run away? Yes, we might be able to last longer, but sooner or latter, we'll end up falling. So why not sooner? Why not die because you chose to, and not because you were unable to fight anymore?

I... I kind of don't know where I'm going with this. I remember back when all of this started I had the complete opposite idea. I thought he'd never get me if I fought hard enough, I thought there was still a chance...

Now I know he's just playing with us. And I think I'm done playing...

But... who knows? Maybe I'm just being pessimistic. Maybe there is hope. In fact, maybe we're close. Maybe a runner that doesn't have a blog has the solution already, and is about to finish the fight. Maybe this won't last for much longer and all we have to do is hang on...

But I doubt it.

With any luck, there will be a next time...

-North.

This is hell.

Why didn't I exit this place the second I pulled the trigger on Kevin?
Why did I come in here instead of running away when I saw my door open?
Why did I stay here longer than I should have?
Why did I come here in the first place?
Why couldn't Carol kill me when she was hunting me?
Why did I survive throwing myself off the second floor?
Why did I go into the woods that day?
Why, why, why why.

So many chances, so many chances i had to finish this. to have a normal death. Maybe not the happiest, but certainly better than this fucking hellhole. Why is he doing this to me? What have i done that the others havent? What does he want from me?

And the worst part is that no one is trying to help me. I'm now completely sure none of you people are reading this. I haven't heard from anyone in weeks. So this is is. I'm giving up. This blog is useless. I won't write anymore.

Dying.

It's the 30th day since food ran out.

My head pounds, my stomach feels like its trying to kill me, my eyes are burning, walking is hell and not doing anything just reminds me of how hungry I am and how much my muscles hurt.

And yet I can still think straight, walk, move (clumsily and weakly, but move) and I havent passed out a single time since I got here. The only signal that I havent eaten in weeks being the horrible pain I feel all over my body... And the fact that I look like a walking fucking skeleton.

It's clear now that this is Slenny's work. I don't know how, but he's keeping me alive. He's not gonna let me die that easily. Not now...

And to make matters even worse, it seems like the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD just decided to forget about me. No emails, no comments, no responses. Actually, I havent seen anyone post anything since

How fucking stupid am I?

Of course Im not hearing back from anybody. He doesnt want me to. How can I even be sure people are even getting to read this? I FUCKING CANT.

But what am I supposed to do? Stop writing? I can't do that either. This blog is my last chance of contacting someone on the outside. And if this thing has a shot... as slim as it might be... I have to keep trying.

I've already posted my address. You know where I am. Please, come help me.

Hunger.

According to my laptop, it's the 10th day I've been trapped here.

Food ran out yesterday.

I managed to make food last way longer than it should have by eating as little as I could without passing out, but even that way my supplies were bound to run out sometime soon. I've tried drinking water to calm my hunger, but it just makes me feel worse. How I'm still able to get up and type this escapes me. Maybe my body just got used to not getting a lot of nutrients during the last couple of days? Yeah, that sounds about right.

I should probably get some sleep. The more I rest, the less energy I'm wasting. I'll try and update you sometime soon.

PD: Can anyone please drop a comment or something? I'd feel wait better if I knew someone out there knew what's happening, and the lack of contact during the last two weeks is making me nervous...

Supplies.

My laptop say's I've already spent two days trapped in this fucking hellhole and  I feel like I'm already starting to lose my mind. Of course, I can't be sure of how many days have passed since there's no sunlight outside. Never. It's as pitch black as it was last time I wrote a post.

I've contacted the few runners who's emails I know. Erin, Shade and Bondi. Haven't heard back from them. Don't know if they can help me, but fuck me if it ain't worth a shot. Guys, if you read this check your mail. I seriously need your help.

For some reason running water and electricity still work, so at least I have light and something to drink. What's worrying me is the food. I don't have that many cans... maybe enough for a week? I don't know.

All I know is that I have to get the hell out of here. Quick.

Trapped.

How come I didn't notice?

How come I didn't notice that in the TWO DAYS I spent locked away in my room, not a single ray of sunshine came trough my window?

How come I didn't notice that not once I heard a car pass by or a bird sing?

How come I didn't notice that there was no rotting smell from the two corpses in my living room?

All exits on my house are locked. Can't open them, can't bring them down. I've already tried every single one. And to make things even better, it's pitch black outside, so I can't see anything past my front lawn. Phones aren't working, and the bodies are nowhere to be found.

I... I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going on. I'm just locked away here. I've tried everything I could think of, but I just can't get out.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?

He just can't let me go, can he?

I can't even kill myself.

I should have known better.

The door to my house was open when I got here yesterday. I went in expecting to catch a proxy rummaging trough my stuff.

Instead I found Him.

I raised my rifle and shot. But he wasn't there anymore.

The shot hit Kevin square in the head. He was dead before he hit the ground

I just keeled besides his body in shock. I don't know how much time I spent there, just watching his body, before I noticed Carol standing in the corner of the room, staring at me, her mask was cracked from where I had hit, her clothing covered in bloodstains.

She just stood there.

Watching me. 

Mocking me.

I hated her.

I shot her.

I'm leaving this place. I don't care where I go, I don't care what I do, I just wanna get away.

He won, I lost. That's all there is to it.